Dead Man Walking

[Anthony Bridgerton]

Tag: Kathani Bridgerton
Note: Better layout coming soon!

i will

ALWAYS PROTECT YOU

Today was the day that Anthony Bridgerton had feared his entire life. Well, since he was the age if eighteen years old anyway. Today was perhaps even worse than what tomorrow would be. It was the painful awareness. The . . . crippling fear that he had. Ever since his awareness of when he would die, his mindset about many things had changed. And what he had promised himself he would never do -- mainly, fall in love -- he had done. Furthermore, he had children, which was always the expectation. But everything was . . . happier than he ever could have imagined. A beautiful, blissful life that he had created. And now . . . it was going to end. At least his involvement in it would.

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He remembered all those years ago, what Kate had said to him. To not let this fear control his life. And he hadn't. He had allowed himself to be happy, with her. Hell, there were even days where he had forgotten entirely that his days were numbered. But now, it was the eve of his 38th birthday . . . and the day that he so long dreaded -- more so ever since marrying the woman he loved -- was inevitably here. And to add to it, Kate was expecting their third child.

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It was all too familiar. He recalled his mother being pregnant with Hyacinth when Edmund passed away. Perhaps it was good, that their unborn child would never know their father. Perhaps it was good, he would pass before they ever knew the love a father had. It would be so much harder for their other two children, but they were not too old. They would move on from the loss. Fortunate indeed, that Anthony's children were not as old as Anthony himself had been when Edmund died.

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He had spent the early part of the afternoon at his family's estate. Everyone had come together for a meal, which not always manageable . . . and it was often chaotic with the offspring from each Bridgerton sibling's marriage. But it had been wonderfully. Anthony had been uncharacteristically quiet, just taking in each moment. Offering sentimental words to each sibling, knowing the looks of curiosity and suspicion they cast on him when he said it. They did not know, and he wouldn't tell him. The only one who knew of his fear -- of what had to be this certainty -- was Kate.

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He said his goodbyes to them . . . goodbyes that were filled with emotion. It further aroused suspicion, one of his siblings even telling him Would you calm yourself, I will see you tomorrow and all Anthony could do was offer a small smile, lacking joviality. Everyone planned to gather for his birthday. But . . . no. Anthony may not see them tomorrow. The thought was heartbreaking, that these moments . . . may be the last ones spent with his mother and siblings. When they had arrived home, he decided to spend the remainder of the day with his wife and two sons.

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They were all in the drawing room and he watched the two of them playing with each other, while Kate sat on the sofa, and Anthony next to her. Yes. This moment was truly perfect. If only it would last longer . . . past tomorrow. "Today has been truly wonderful," he said reflectively, almost sadly if one was truly paying attention to his tone. He would not sullen the mood in front of his children, but Kate knew him well enough to understand him . . . perhaps better than anyone else in this world did.

[Kathani Bridgerton]

Kate sat on the couch and let her fingers run over her belly of their thirds child. Her rakehell husband had once again given her the joy of a child, and while she might tease him, and annoy him over wanting a girl--and assure him that the boys where in fact his fault, so while she had done her job with the heir, he had not done his with a daughter. In truth, she was so grateful and in love with her sons that she would welcome another boy.

Anthony had been off all day, and Kate knew why. He came over and sat on the sofa beside her. It was almost natural to want to say something sharp (and loving) to him to jar him from the mood, and she even opened her lips to speak the words--but then paused. While she understood why he thought this, she never understood HOW he thought this. It seemed so odd to her, yet she knew he was hurting. Even if his mind was the cause.

"How rare to find ourselves in agreement," She teased him, reaching for his hand to rest over her belly. Mabe the babe would encourage him to been more cheerful. "This one kicks so much, I fear it's another son. You will have to try again." To give them a daughter. Though she was doubtful the would try for more and more. While he had come from a large family, she came come from a smaller one. Even now they were larger then her own. If she never got a daughter, then she would be happy with this love.

^{Anthony Bridgerton}

[Anthony Bridgerton]

Tag: Kathani Bridgerton
Note: Better layout coming soon!

i will

ALWAYS PROTECT YOU

Anthony gave a small smile when she spoke of how they were in agreement -- a rarity indeed. Though he knew at this point, they often disagreed and bickered out of love. There had been something oddly -- and infuriatingly -- charming about the way she had constantly challenged him. The stubborn dislike she had for him -- one that eventually became mutual. And yet, she was the most perfect woman he could ever hope to be with. The only one he could ever truly love.

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When she moved his hand to rest on her stomach, feeling the movements of the baby . . . it was both joyous and devastating at once. The intense fear that Anthony -- like his father -- would never hold the baby growing in his wife's womb. The Viscount knew it was for the best, at least for the sake of the child . . . but it was a painful reminder that a life born of his and Kate's life, would never know the one of a father. And that Anthony, would not be here to greet it. "It is a girl," he told her confidently. Of course, there was no magical way of knowing . . . but at the same time, he did know.

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He knew, because that was what his mother had at a similar time: she had been carrying a girl, Hyacinth. So Anthony knew that, the same irrationality of this knowledge matched to the one he had about his pending doom come tomorrow. But, he did not wish to entirely dampen the mood. He had always feared this; someone loving him and having to endure the same loss that his mother did for his father. "But, that will hardly deter me from making another attempt." His voice was hardly convincing, but he was trying. Thoughts of a future, of years . . . even days to come was a difficult image to hold in his mind. Bittersweet indeed. For he did not know what tomorrow would bring . . . other than death.

[Kathani Bridgerton]

He declaimed the baby a girl. He was certain of it. "So certain you have done it right this time?" She asked, raising her brows, and trying to bring a smile to his lips. Thought she was beginning to see that this would need a more direct approach then her teasing. Anthony was not himself, and she wanted his birthday one of joy--not fear of his own death.

"You sound very excited over the idea, Anthony." She said softly. Her words might have been a joke, but her tone was soft and telling. "You do not seem yourself today, and I cannot help but to wonder if it is about tomorrow's date?" Glancing over at the boys to make sure they were playing and not hearing this, Kate turned toward her husband.

"This should be a time for joy for you and our family. Why is it not so?" She knew. He would know that she knew. He would know that she knew and was asking him to tell her again. She wanted him to say the words outload. Because when you said them, and heard them, then you could deal with him.

^{Anthony Bridgerton}

[Anthony Bridgerton]

Tag: Kathani Bridgerton
Note: Better layout coming soon!

i will

ALWAYS PROTECT YOU

Another small smile formed on Anthony's lips, knowing the expression lacked true joviality and yet, he supposed some was there. For, it was impossible not to feel any joy at all when in the company of his family. A wife, two sons, an unborn baby. "Have I ever done wrong?" He asked her rhetorically, clear tease in his voice as he looked towards the two boys as if to make a point . . . though, he of course knew what she meant. And knew that she was just teasing. She wanted a daughter, always playfully telling him to give her one. Though he knew that no matter whether they had another son or daughter . . . they would love the baby all the same. Her words of sarcasm caused his features to relax, smile fading from his lips though he supposed there was a level of contentment upon his face.

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Usually he would be quite excited. Very excited. Excitement that manifested physically in addition to verbal. And his wife knew him well enough to know that was quite the norm for him . . . and that his current tone about the subject, was rather uncharacteristic. Had the children not been in the room, perhaps he would have let his actions dictate answer a bit better, and silence the subject that he knew was coming in the process. But instead, he just remained silent . . . allowing her to continue. He avoided her gaze, eyes fixed on their sons though he could feel her eyes upon him. He slightly clenched his jaw as she made mention of tomorrow's date. He knew she knew. It was understood but unspoken . . . until now.

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"You know why," he said quietly, knowing he could not be a coward as he turned his head to look at her once he said the words. "A birthday is a celebration of another year of life. Yet tomorrow . . . " He looked back towards his sons. "May be different." Bringing his fear to voice, though it would not be the first time. Just, the first time in a long time. Straightening himself up a little, he continued, his voice stoic and oddly composed considering the subject. "We must all be prepared for the year to come." Because that was not something that Anthony -- nor his entire family -- had been when Edmund died. Prepared.

[Kathani Bridgerton]

Yes, Kate knew why. She knew what he thought about this birthday, and she had even pointed out once, very early in their marriage that they could have years together in happiness--and they had! She knew that Anthony would not die, but had come to understand that he would always fear it until it was behind him. That she could use words to make him see reason, but instead had to keep him on the track to his own happiness.

"Yes, I know, but I still wish you hear you say it." Because when they did not speak of their fears, they hunted them. She would not have them hide from this, but instead face it together.

They must be ready. So ominous. "Yes, a baby. Our yearly pall mall game in the spring. You mother's birthday as well coming up. If you are proven true our first daughter will be a hand full with so many brothers." The good time, my love, she thought to him. "So for however long this year last--" he seemed to always treat it as if it was tomorrow, when she knew (and prayed) that it was longer. "--we shall find joy."

🌷🏑🐝💕
^{Anthony Bridgerton}

[Anthony Bridgerton]

Tag: Kathani Bridgerton
Note: Anthony is such a dramatic hoe! Kudos to Kate for knowing
how to deal with him!

i will

ALWAYS PROTECT YOU

Anthony knew that on some level his belief was . . . well, perhaps ridiculous was not the correct word. But there was a reason that Kate was the only one he had ever shared these fears and beliefs with. Why it had taken him so long to admit them to anyone. After all, if anyone deserved to know . . . it was his wife. And yet he also knew that this was very specific to Kate. For had he married anyone else, he would not have divulged such deep seated beliefs. He also would not have loved them. Kate, was the only woman he knew he could ever love. He gave a small smile when she started to list off all the joyous upcoming events of the year. He wanted to look forward to them, yet it was such a bitter sweet thing. That he longed to experience it and yet . . . knew that he may very well not. Most likely, not.

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"Well, should what I fear come true -- " He did not wish to actually say the words in front of their children. Even though their sons were not listening to the conversation, Anthony knew full well just how . . . perceptive and absorbent children could be. Hyacinth and Gregory were perfect examples of that. "Then I shall leave you my mallet," he teased, knowing that he was making light of a grim topic but we did not wish to wallow in the self pity that came of it. "Let us say it is a girl," he continued on a more positive note. "We should consider some possible names." While he was still alive to have a say or at least have knowledge in naming her should they be able to decide prior to her birth . . . or his death. Whichever came first.