immediate regrets

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eloise & penelope.

The door slammed closed behind her, and the tears were almost immediate. 

Eloise's own words echoed through her mind: I wish never to see or speak to you again. It wasn't true, her heart was simply splintered into tiny shards, broken entirely, perhaps never to be prepared. The betrayal was the worst part of it all, the knowledge that Penelope hadn't told her the truth so long ago, the knowledge she'd gone ahead and exposed her as a 'political radical', instead of simply explaining that she was Whistledown, allowing them to hatch a plan together.

She was never one for crying in front of anyone, it wasn't exactly considered 'ladylike' to cry in public, but Eloise seldom liked doing so in front of anyone. She'd been unable to hold her tears back after dancing with Lord Morrison, after realising she was likely a disappointment to her mama...and again now. This, however, wasn't where she wanted to leave things. She didn't want things with Penelope to be over forever, but they'd said words they couldn't take back. Hurt had quickly turned to anger, but if they ended things like that, would they ever be able to mend their relationship? 

Heart beating faster, she reached for the door handle, aware of the way her hand shook as she did so. There was so much left unsaid, there'd been so much left unsaid for months. Penelope had been hiding things from her, but if she was being honest, she'd been hiding things from her best friend, too. The feelings she had for her were complicated, and could get them both into a lot of trouble, but there was no denying that she viewed the red head in a different light than she was supposed to. Why wouldn't she be utterly destroyed and heartbroken, knowing she'd fallen in love with a girl she trusted, only for her to have been lying all along?

Wiping her tears with her free hand, Eloise finally reopened the door, inhaling a shaky breath. She hadn't expected to come straight back, but she simply couldn't just leave things as they were. "Is that truly what you think of me? Some...political radical, who is all talk, never doing anything? Do you know how hard it is to live like this? Feeling I will never fit in with this society? If you knew...if you knew how I felt, if you had feelings like this that you knew you should not have, you wouldn't be so quick to treat me like this! I loved you, Pen. I loved you! As so much more than just a friend...and you betrayed me. All this time, going behind my back..."

Penelope Featherington

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[Penelope Featherington]

source tagged @eloisebridgerton words 772 notes if any

The moment the door slammed shut, Penelope turned, attempting to stifle the sound of her cries behind a gloved hand. She could not hold back the tears that seemed to flow freely now that there was no audience to witness them. Eloise's words cut deeper than any blade could ever hope to reach. Carving deep wounds into her very soul, wounds that felt as though they might never heal. Penelope could not pretend as though she did not enjoy her position as Lady Whistledown, she had loved the buzz about the ton with each publication. The way she could illicit such passionate reactions from her readers, spreading gossip that was strategic in a way most would never be able to wrap their heads around.  She had loved it, but she had never been prepared to sacrifice her relationship with Eloise for the sake of it. In fact, she had been ready to stop, to throw it all away for her.  Looking about the ransacked room, she recalled the fear she felt when she realized her secret had been discovered. Yet, the first thought through her mind when Eloise began to question her was not that her cover had been blown. Instead, it had been solely focused on the idea that she would lose her. Wiping at her face, angry at the stubborn tears that continued to fall, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. She had ruined everything, and now the one person whom she cared for above all else, the one person she loved had walked out of her life... For good. She knew that she was not supposed to feel this way about her friend. For the longest time she had denied those feelings existed, refusing to acknowledge them for what they were. But how could she continue to be dishonest with herself, when she could not keep from smiling whenever Eloise stepped into a room, how her heart skipped a beat upon hearing her name fall from the brunettes' lips.  Penelope's heart felt like it might shatter to think that she would never illicit a laugh or smile from Eloise ever again. That their only interactions going forward would be of resentment and bitterness. The door opened behind her, and she turned, sucking in a breath when she saw Eloise standing once again in her room.  I wish never to see or speak to you again. That was what she'd said to her, so why had she returned? Penelope did not have a chance to speak before Eloise was ranting again, and for a moment her heart sank. Believing that she just wished to argue further, that she had not finished that first time. Wiping at her wet cheeks, she shook her head adamantly. No. "No, I do not believe a word of it, not a word" she insisted, her voice rising in volume as if that might convince her of the truth that they held. "I never meant to hurt you El, I was trying to protect you" of course now it seemed foolish that she had not just disclosed her identity as Lady Whistledown to her best friend. It seemed a simple solution, but she had liked the secrecy, she had revelled in the thrill of no one knowing she was the writer behind it all.  "Do not do that! Do not assume to know me! Do not assume to know of my feelings!" hurt and frustration gave way to anger, it boiled beneath the surface of her skin, subtle at first and then red hot. She knew nothing of her feelings, of how she struggled to find her own place in society. Eloise only seemed to think about herself, and how things would affect her. Now she dared to stand there and tell Penelope how she felt. She hesitated when Eloise blurted out that she had loved her. Words that once Penelope would have given anything to hear, but now just felt hollow. They were empty words that no longer meant what she hoped they would.  "And I loved you... But that hardly matters now, does it?" it had never mattered. They could never be together, and now there was no reason to continue along the path of hope, it was a fool's dream.  "I made a mistake, it was a mistake, and I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you" she was sorry that she had hurt Eloise, but she was not sorry that she had created Lady Whistledown. She was not sorry that she had kept El from coming to harm, even if she was arguably at fault for placing her in the firing line.

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eloise & penelope.

Turning back seemed pointless, for nothing would heal the hurt and betrayal she was struggling with – yet she couldn't bring herself to simply leave. Despite saying she never wanted to see her again, the notion of simply walking away and giving her up was too hard to bear. Penelope had promised to give Lady Whistledown up for her, but what good would that do now? She'd already lied to her, already betrayed her...how could anything ever make up for that? She couldn't retract what she'd published, she couldn't undo over a year of lying about her identity...there was no going back now, there was only moving forward.

What could possibly lay ahead for them now? Things had fallen apart, cracked right through the middle, and admissions of love would only make it worse. As much as her anger made her spit the truth (the one truth she'd managed to keep to herself for so long, the one thing she'd managed to never tell a soul, despite wishing to scream it from the rooftops), nothing could come of it. Some part of her had thought it would perhaps be the final nail in the coffin of their friendship, perhaps it would make Penelope pull away entirely.

Instead, she seemed to aim to knock the wind from her lungs. And I loved you. What was the most foolish part – that they'd never told each other, or that they were bothering to say the words now? It was a cruel twist of fate, that she might finally have shared feelings for someone she could never be with, for more reasons than one. Society would never accept it, even if she hadn't just had her heart shattered by the redhead. Society and fate were equally as cruel, and Eloise wasn't sure which she loathed the most.

"I hardly think you know the meaning of the word, if this is how you show it!" Once again, anger was speaking. Mere days ago, she might have melted at the notion of Penelope loving her. They still wouldn't have been able to act on it, not publicly, but she would have felt far better knowing it was reciprocated, knowing she wasn't alone in feeling such a thing. Instead, all she felt was heartbroken to see it had all turned out like this. On some level, it made sense: trying to insist she never saw Theo, trying to keep her away from the truth...she wanted things to remain the way they were, so that their closeness might remain, so that there were no boys standing in between them. And yet...this made it sting all the more.

Swallowing down a lump in her throat, she reached up a hand to wipe at her tears. It would have been far easier now if she could simply hate Penelope. They'd never have to worry about those shared feelings, never have to speak of any of this again...but it hurt so much because, regardless of all else, she could not hate her. The love ran too deep, and it seemed that even the harshest of truths couldn't attempt to eliminate the feelings she'd been harbouring for her for so long. "You cannot just – say that you love me now to try and make all of this go away. That isn't fair. That is cruel, Penelope. That might be the cruelest thing you have done throughout this whole thing!" How, after it all, could she allow herself to trust her? Allow herself to believe a single word she said?

Penelope Featherington

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