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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2022 14:28:48 GMT
eloise & theo.  “Stop the carriage.”Few young ladies from Mayfair would be foolish enough to make such a request in an unfamiliar part of the city after sunset, but Eloise had never claimed to be at all like other young ladies of the ton. The only foolish part, in her eyes, was stopping for a boy who likely wanted nothing more to do with her. She could hardly blame him, what with the way things had ended, but she truly had been trying to protect him. With the ton whispering incessantly about the fifth Bridgerton associating with political radicals, she didn’t wish for his name to be uttered — people would be much too quick to insist he’d taken advantage of her, if they learnt how close she’d been getting with a man below her station. That couldn’t be further from the truth, but she’d withdrawn to keep him away from all of that…given that they were from different worlds, however, he’d likely never understand why she had to make such a sacrifice. The heartache she’d felt several weeks prior had dulled, perhaps lessened by the blow that had her best friend had betrayed her in such a way. The loss of Theo stung a little less, when compared to the discovery of Penelope being Lady Whistledown. Had she not seen him again, she likely would have been able to pretend it didn’t hurt at all…but she found herself exiting the carriage, that familiar ache in her chest. At least, she supposed, they weren’t technically unchaperoned this time, for the carriage driver would be mere feet away. "Th—" she cut herself off sharply before she could utter his given name. Could they truly go back there? First name basis, thoughts shared, far more familiar than they should have been? Formalities felt foreign with him, but there was a wedge between them now, a divide far greater than their difference in class. “Mr Sharpe. Is it not dangerous to be walking alone after dark?”[attr="class","mizocredit"] [newclass=.mizocredit a]font:bold 6pt calibri;letter-spacing:1px;color:#b5d1f1;[/newclass] |
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Julia
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Post by julia on Oct 26, 2022 19:09:23 GMT
 Theo heard the carriage long before he saw it. The noise of clopping horseshoes, the rolling of wheels. It wasn’t unusual, although on the outskirts of town and at this hour there was certainly less traffic on the road.
Theo didn’t pay the horse and carriage any mind. As he heard it approach, he wandered over to the side of the road to let it pass, and would continue on his long walk home. Soon the roads would run out of streetlamps, and the moon would be his only light source. But Theo didn’t mind too much. He had walked this route so many times, he could’ve done it in his sleep.
In an attempt to not catch the attention of whoever was riding inside the (admittedly quite ostentatious) carriage, Theo kept his head bent low. He had really had quite enough trouble with that side of town, and he couldn’t afford any more, quite literally: His boss had not appreciated Theo’s name popping up all over London’s gossip pamphlets…and neither had Theo.
It seemed impossibly unlucky when he heard a muffled ‘"Stop the carriage’" from inside and, indeed, the vehicle slowed. He swallowed hard, his throat immediately constricted with worry, as to who might have found him on this solitary stretch of road. Quickly, he pulled off his cap. Whoever he’d be speaking to would expect him to display a certain set of manners.
Hesitantly, he waited on the side of the road, a few measured steps away from the carriage. There was still the possibility that he had just been mistaken for someone else, and he would be sent on his way again shortly. But when the elaborately painted carriage door opened and the dark curls of Eloise Bridgerton emerged, he knew this had been no accident. And while he felt relief that no one worse had come to threaten or harm him, he also bristled at the sight of her; at the memory of how they had parted. “Mr Sharpe.”, she called him, telling him all he needed to know about where they stood - hardly acquaintances. They might as well have never met.
“Miss Bridgerton.”, he acknowledged the greeting but his tone was flat and tired. From the day, yes, but moreso from Eloise’s endless attempts at fixing whatever trouble she had caused him - her idea of a fun pastime, apparently.
Her question was almost laughable, though his lips stayed firmly pressed together. What might Miss Eloise Bridgerton have to do with how he made his way home? “I don’t believe my safety should be your concern.” After all, nothing good had come of that. “And besides, I could say the same about you. A lady out at night. And in highly inappropriate company.”, he flicked the wrist of the hand that was holding his cap and leaned forward in a mock-bow. His brow furrowed, as he came back up, trying to puzzle the pieces of this coincidence together. “Did you follow me?”
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2022 19:58:05 GMT
eloise & theo. Theo's wellbeing was no longer any of her business, and perhaps it never truly had been. She'd cared for him, wished to hear his thoughts, and spend as much time with him as she could...despite knowing she was developing feelings, they'd both always known deep down it could never amount to anything - or, at least, Eloise had always known, and assumed he'd be just as aware as she was. Status and position in society mattered little to Eloise, but there were lines that could not be crossed. She could never marry below her station, no matter how drawn to him she was. There'd been a reason she pulled back when she thought he was going to kiss her, and it was the fear of giving in, and never being able to go back. If she'd let herself, she could have truly fallen for him...and then what? Was her mother not already disappointed enough in her? In a lot of ways, Eloise knew just how selfish she'd been, and yet, she knew too that she truly did want to protect him. The world she came from would not be kind to a boy like him, and Whistledown had already done more than enough. What would happen if it came to light that she was always unchaperoned with him? Good men as she viewed her brothers as, she highly doubted if they would simply let such a thing slide. She was, after all, their baby sister, and they wouldn't want to think she was being taken advantage of. Despite it all, despite how much she knew she'd hurt him in the end, some part of her had almost hoped he'd be happy to see her. What a fool she could be; what a naive fool. Of course, after everything, he never wanted to see her again, for why would he? Still, Eloise winced, glancing over her shoulder at the carriage she'd just come down from. "Follow you? Why on earth would I follow you? I had no idea you would be here, Theo!"This time, his name slipped out, and she didn't attempt to correct herself. They'd been so familiar before, the formalities felt so wrong. How could someone who had set aside books for her, to hear her thoughts on each of them, act so coldly towards her? How had they ended up here? It would always be true that they were from different sides of town, different parts of society, but why did that mean they had to be so different? They'd discovered once how much they had in common, how much their beliefs lined up. Did he truly believe she'd made all of that up? "No, I did not follow you. I have thought about you, I can't deny that, but I'm not foolish enough to think you'd forgive me just because I show up on the side of the road like this! It is late, and it is getting cold, perhaps my driver could take you home?" Even she could hear how it sounded, the way she was inviting him to join her in the carriage, despite knowing they should avoid being unchaperoned together again. In the printshop, hidden away from intruding gazes was one thing, but they could easily be seen like this. "I cannot simply let you walk these parts on your own. You may not think I care about you, but I do. That is was precisely the problem."[attr="class","mizocredit"] [newclass=.mizocredit a]font:bold 6pt calibri;letter-spacing:1px;color:#b5d1f1;[/newclass] |
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Julia
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Post by julia on Oct 27, 2022 15:48:13 GMT
What was she doing here?
Weeks had passed since their last encounter at the shop. While in the first days after they had parted ways Theo had found himself looking up from his work with a flicker of hope whenever the bell on the door rang, by now he had come to accept that they had parted for good. Routine had set in, something that he had previously found comfort in had become increasingly unenticing. Eloise Bridgerton, despite (or possibly because of) the chaos she had caused in his life, had been a breath of fresh air. And yet, he couldn’t say that he was happy to see her now. All he had come to know was that dealing with the Bridgertons would only end in more troubles for himself.
But no, she hadn’t apparently followed him. She said the words with so much conviction that Theo had to believe them, although some part of him had quietly hoped that this had not been a mere coincidence. Truly, he didn’t know how to feel about her: He had almost moved on, almost closed that chapter of an exciting, if short, book. But suddenly, Eloise was back, metaphorical quill in hand and ready to add another paragraph. For a moment, Theo wanted to read it, too.
The white knuckles with which he had gripped the rim of his cap loosened and one corner of his mouth quirked up at the mention of his name. Not ‘Mr Sharpe’, just ‘Theo’.
She mentioned she had thought about him, and Theo relaxed his defensive stance a little more, only to close himself right back up, as she continued: Defiantly, he crossed his arms in front of his chest, ink stains dotted parts of his sleeves, as he sceptically considered the young woman across from him, her soft, round features only faintly illuminated by the oil lamp on the side of the carriage.
Deep down, Theo knew she meant well – offering him a ride home, it wasn’t something Theo had ever received since he’d begun work in the city. And that was exactly the problem. “And what about tomorrow?”, he countered. Only a rhetorical question, so he barely paused for an answer. “And the day after? And what about in five months’ time when most of the roads will be frozen over?” This time he paused a little longer, giving his words a chance to sink in.
“Most of us don’t have the luxury of a driver, Miss Eloise. And although I appreciate the offer,” he attempted to remain kind and respectful, though it was through gritted teeth, “I’m sorry to inform you that this one ride will not be a kindness. Most likely, it will cause both of us only further anguish.”
His gaze wandered from the blue of the young lady’s eyes over to the darkened square that was the window of the carriage. It would be foolish to enter the vehicle beside a lady, never mind reckless to let her take him all the way out to Brixton at this time of night. “I’m sorry.”, he repeated. He meant it this time. His eyes were back on Eloise, forcing himself not to look away. “But I cannot accept your protection.”
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2022 17:36:01 GMT
eloise & theo. Not for the first time, he'd left her momentarily speechless. It was a rarity indeed, most struggled to get Eloise to be quiet for even a moment, always so eager to fill the silences, but he seemed to have a knack for showing her the things she didn't recognise in herself. Her privilege wasn't something she'd ever really been forced to face, for aside from the help in the Bridgerton household, it wasn't like she spent much time around those of a lower class. Instead, she spent time with upper class men, who had far more rights than she could ever dream of having. Her fight for equality was a genuine one; she wanted an equal society, where people could make their own choices...but she'd hardly realised how difficult things truly were for others until she'd met Theo. Once again, he was showing her just how different his world was. It wasn't just that he had to work for a living, he truly was from an entirely different world, and there was so much about his life she likely still didn't know. While she'd wanted to hear his thoughts about everything, they likely hadn't even scratched the surface. They spoke of their belief systems and their values, seldom dipping into family or home life. While she'd not shied away from introducing herself to him as a Bridgerton, not feeling the need to pretend to be anyone other than who she truly was, she'd not really delved into her family. Did he know of them? Did anyone in Bloomsbury know much of the ton, or did they not care enough to find out? She'd be the first to admit that high society could be loathsome and insufferable...this only proved that point. "I...did not realise..." How could she have done? If she wanted to go somewhere, there was a carriage lined up; a footman, or a maid, or one of each ready to escort her to wherever she wished to go. She had the pin money to get what she needed when she needed it, and while she yearned for more, she'd never be without food, or shelter, or all of the luxuries that those across town had never been afforded. Any help she offered him now would merely seem like charity, like some pathetic way of soothing her own conscience. Perhaps she should have simply let him get on with his walk home, without stopping to disturb him. What good would truly come of this? "I suppose I — did not think about how far you must travel each day to get to the print shop. I didn't think..."Wasn't that the problem? Intelligent and open-minded as she was, she simply didn't think enough, not where the lower class was concerned. She was so used to the bubble of the ton, this was so different. Theo was so different. "I do not wish for things to feel so strained between us. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you feel as if I was merely trying to make myself feel better. Whistledown published my name for the entirety of London to see, said I was spending my time with political radicals. It would not have been safe for you, were I to continue to spend so much time with you. I wanted to protect you. I suppose I still haven't figured out how to do that."[attr="class","mizocredit"] [newclass=.mizocredit a]font:bold 6pt calibri;letter-spacing:1px;color:#b5d1f1;[/newclass] |
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Julia
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Post by julia on Oct 30, 2022 17:31:44 GMT
As Theo stated the reality that was his life, understanding dawned on Eloise’s face. Theo didn’t know how to feel at the sight of it. He had helped her see her mistake, yes, but really, all it had done was widen the gap between their worlds. Something that Theo had wanted to ignore for as long as possible. Now it seemed to follow them whenever they conversed.
Theo didn’t feel sorry for himself: He was proud of the life he had built in the wake of his father’s death. He loved his family dearly, and his apprenticeship at the printer’s meant he would forever be working with books. There were certainly heavier burdens to carry; Theo saw them passing on the streets daily.
But the more he and Miss Eloise spoke of differences, the more he felt like a charity case. Once upon a time, Eloise had looked at him with admiration and respect, he had seen it in her eyes then, now, he dared not look, worrying that there might only be pity in them.
“It is not your responsibility to know or to worry.”, Theo stated, his eyes fixed on one of the carriage wheels. He had never told the young lady of his home life or his circumstances, and neither had she. For the most part, they had found comfort in a bubble where their upbringings had played no important role.
With his hands clasped behind his back, he pushed on, now more determinedly: “I could have found work closer to home. It was my choice to work on Chancery Lane. And it was an easy choice to make.” He left it there, before he might say anything more hurtful. It was late and he was tired from the day, and despite everything, he didn’t want to hurt Eloise.
“If you don’t want to be seen with me,”, the words tasted just as bitter as when Eloise had said them a few weeks ago, “why did you stop the carriage? Perhaps it is not me who needs protection; perhaps you should look out for yourself and not be involved with political radicals?” Theo thought the term was utterly ridiculous; to claim someone a radical just because they had an opinion without the influence to take it directly to the crown.
The conversation had once again soured, and Theo sighed at how the two of them couldn’t seem find common ground when a few weeks ago, it had been as easy as breathing.
He knew the fault sat partly with him. In a way, wasn’t he behaving exactly like those men that Eloise felt held back by: Claiming to know what was best for her? Trying to protect her while simultaneously refusing her protection?
Even now after everything that had transpired, Theo respected her enough as a person to let her decide for herself. After all, that was all he too had been asking for. But…he wanted her to be sure.
For a few seconds there was nothing but still night air between them, while Theo considered his next words and the decision that might have to follow. Then he spoke more calmly and quietly, very much aware of the carriage driver who was sure to be listening up front: “You really want me to get into that carriage of yours?”
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2022 18:11:43 GMT
eloise & theo.
None of this felt like a matter of 'want'. Eloise wasn't a position where she could choose what she wanted, where she could give in to any kind of desires, fulfill any of her dreams. Choices and decisions were so rarely offered to her — perhaps things like what colour gown she wanted at the modiste, or what book she was going to read in her downtime. Everything else had been set in stone since the beginning: skills and hobbies intended to attract a suitor (piano forte, cross stitch, dancing — nothing that interested her in the slightest), taught how to behave in society, at balls, around men who may wish to court her. All of her beliefs and values were entirely her own; nobody in the ton had taught her that women should be allowed freedom, that people should have equal rights. Benedict seemed to share some of her views on the world, but everything she believed she'd found in the pages of books...and, more recently, in the pamphlets he'd given her, the rallies she'd seen him at. This side of town may not have been her world, and likely never would be, but were she given a choice, it would be where she spent her time. It wasn't like she could turn up her nose at the money and status her family had, but it didn't change how trapped she felt. What good was money and titles, when all she could ever hope to be was someone's wife? The wife of someone who would never understand her, never allowed her these same freedoms, never want to listen to her thoughts? Perhaps Theo now thought she was a spoiled little rich girl, and maybe she was, but it was hard not to feel like the society she was forced into was so stifling. "It was never about not wanting to be seen with you, Theo! Do you truly not understand that? If society worked the way I wish it did, nobody would have to avoid being seen with anybody. Do you think I want it to be this way? Having to pull away from the one thing that made me happy?" The rallies, she meant the rallies. At least...she told herself she did. Theo had made her happy, too, she couldn't deny that — but it wasn't something she could afford to unpack now. Penelope had been certain she had feelings for him, and perhaps she had, but wasn't it too late for all that? Not that they'd ever stood a chance, anyway. Her mama may have wished for all of her children to have love matches, but she likely didn't mean with those below their station.
Caring about him was probably the most complicated part of all of this. Her biggest fear, now that Whistledown had posted about her, was that high society's eyes would be on the rallies. What if the Queen sent in Bow Street runners to infiltrate, to tear it all down? Those people deserved their freedom of speech, to be able to speak of equal rights, without having to worry their voices would be taken away. She'd never forgive herself if he ended up in trouble because of her. "My views have not changed. I want social reform, rights for women, equality...but I don't want to see anyone in trouble because of me. If my brothers knew we'd been unchaperoned together..." Well, it certainly wouldn't end well. "If you don't wish for my driver to know where you live, we don't have to take you all the way — but please, I can't stand to think of you walking out here alone." [attr="class","mizocredit"] [newclass=.mizocredit a]font:bold 6pt calibri;letter-spacing:1px;color:#b5d1f1;[/newclass] |
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Julia
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Post by julia on Nov 28, 2022 22:00:53 GMT
They were close to shouting now.
No doubt that the footman was hearing every word of their argument. And Theo felt they were going in circles - about who needed protection from whom. It was clear they would never agree; they would never work. It had been foolish to hope. Theo had come to understand this when they had first gone their separate ways. This encounter just served as a cruel reminder.
Theo was not one to flee from a fight. He wanted to shout back at Eloise that it was her people who were to blame for the way society was; that she was part of the problem. Listening to a few rallies might have been novel and exciting for a young lady but it had all been for her own benefit. When faced with scandal and backlash, she had retreated back into her world; that was exactly why they couldn’t rely on anyone but themselves to bring about change.
He glowered at her in frustration, his ink-stained hands balled into fists, all these thoughts teetering on the edge of his lips, just waiting for her to finish, because she was still Eloise, and he still couldn’t help but wanting to hear any and all of her thoughts. Even if they were infuriating. But then she finished...and Theo was left utterly speechless:
“...the one thing that made me happy?”
Mouth half-open, he stared dumbfoundedly at her. Disbelieving, even. Not that she could possibly mean him, but that she would say this now, here, in the middle of an argument. The sudden impact of this admission sapped Theo of the anger he had been so eager to throw at Eloise. Leaving sounded like a much better idea all of a sudden. To make a run for it, before he could close the gap between him and Eloise and do something they would regret.
He did neither, however. Mostly because his feet seemed rooted to the ground; they too had been drained of energy. He wondered if they would recover enough for the rest of his walk home.
Eloise continued, seemingly unperturbed by how she had just rattled Theo’s entire being. Still unsure what he might do or say the next time he opened his mouth, he let her speak; tried his best to focus on the words she was saying now, not the echo in his head.
Only when Eloise paused for a second time, did Theo feel composed enough to answer, his voice stripped of anger but replaced with dejection. “Sometimes the change is worth the trouble.”
He said ‘sometimes’, when he really meant ‘this time’. He would have rather faced the wrath of society with her than be offered pity disguised as protection on his own.
It was this turn in their conversation, from frustration to regret, that had Theo give in to Eloise’s plea. It was either this or part ways and… Theo wasn’t ready to just yet. Not after hearing her confession.
He cast a tentative glance up at the footman. The fallout of his time spent with Eloise had left Theo a little more timid of the nobility's gossip mill than he could admit to himself. But he found that the man was already busying himself with the reins, preparing the horses to continue their journey.
He found his feet were capable of walking again, if only far enough to make it to the carriage. Theo paused with one foot on the step into the vehicle, addressing Eloise, as well as the carriage driver: “It’s south, just until we get to the edge of town.” After that, the road would get uncomfortably bumpy (as Theo knew all too well from whenever he hitched a ride with a neighbour), and he didn’t want to inconvenience Eloise any further. Besides, while Theo didn’t want to say goodbye, now that it was just the two of them inside the cramped carriage, he did not know what he might say to her for the rest of the journey,
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2022 14:30:45 GMT
eloise & theo. Despite their similar political views, similar stances on almost everything, they'd never see entirely eye to eye, and Eloise knew it. Regardless of how she felt about society, and the injustice of the different classes, she was still part of the ton. Loathe as she was to dress up and attend balls, she couldn't have it both ways: she couldn't remain a part of a well to do family, and still act like she was just the same as him. Perhaps she was selfish, perhaps she was a hypocrite, but it wasn't her intention. Eloise wasn't trying to have it both ways, not in the way it might seem like she was...she simply didn't want to let her family down. They'd always been close, always had her back, and she didn't want to lose that.
That, however, was exactly why things had come crumbling down. There was her worry for Theo, too, of course, but she'd known that people would keeping close watch on her now. Whistledown, her family, the rest of the ton...everyone would be waiting for her to step even an inch out of line. Even being with him now could lead to scandal, if anyone was watching, especially if they were listening to their raised voices, but she trusted the driver not to pass the news on. The help talked, everyone knew that, but she trusted some more than others. She'd always gotten on well with most of the household staff, and she doubted they'd betray her in such a way. She hoped they wouldn't, anyway.
Ultimately, Eloise knew she could never have everything she wanted. Staring at him now, she wished she could simply throw caution to the wind, tell him all she'd been feeling, all she'd wondered if he'd been feeling too...but then he'd been the one who'd looked like he was about to kiss her. He'd been the one to lean in, leading to her panicking, terrified that too many lines were about to be crossed. She'd ruined things then, but wouldn't a stolen kiss have ruined things in a whole other way? Hadn't it been a kindness, pulling back when she did?
"Theo..." she spoke his name so softly, a whisper that seemed so well rehearsed. She'd said his name so many times, and thought it was only a thing of the past now. Their little rendez-vous was supposed to be over, after all. "It was worth the trouble for me, but I could not put upon you like that. The last time my eldest brother found out a gentleman had taken an interest in one of his sisters, he challenged him to a duel – and they had been friends for almost a decade."
If he'd been like that with Simon, a friend and a Duke, what would he be like with a lower class stranger? Eloise trusted Anthony with most things, but she wasn't quite sure how this would go. Pulling back would save them both from a lot of trouble, ultimately. For the moment, she wouldn't even bother pointing out that he'd been the one to decide they should no longer see each other, the one who'd insulted her and all but said he viewed her no differently from any other young lady. She wouldn't say another word on the matter, not until they were tucked away inside the carriage.
"Alright," she murmured, simply. It wasn't up to her where the carriage went, but she'd leave it with the driver. As she followed her companion up to the steps into the carriage, a familiar wave of panic overwhelmed her. They'd been in close quarters alone before, but this felt very different to a print shop. Smaller, more cramped, no way for anyone to storm out if words grew too heated – though she sincerely hoped they would not. "In truth, I did not think you'd ever wish to see me again." |
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Julia
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Post by julia on Nov 30, 2022 23:15:36 GMT
The seat of the carriage wasn’t as comfortable as Theo had always imagined them to be. With only a slim layer of fabric separating its flat, hard back wall and the uneven gait of the horses, Theo thought he could feel every cobble underneath them.
Sitting across from Eloise, he rolled his shoulders, trying to find a more agreeable position. The irony that he couldn’t get comfortable in a noble's carriage but was perfectly content perching on the back of his neighbour’s vehicle into town wasn’t lost on him.
Beside him through the small window, houses started to roll by. All of them at a slightly different angle than he was used to. But Theo only cast a brief glance out, before his eyes settled back on Eloise. He hadn’t acknowledged her most recent explanation, had simply decided to cut this discussion short because whatever her reasoning, it changed nothing about their situation. Putting her brother forward as a scapegoat wouldn’t help Theo see her differently now. If anything, it placed them further apart; only highlighted the clear chasm between their worlds that he had once thought only a small gap in the wall.
But every so often, the way Eloise looked at him, the way she said his name, he wanted to take a leap and cross that distance - although he was sure he would never make it all the way across.
She looked at him again now, and Theo couldn’t help but cross his arms defensively. Even though he had (more or less) agreed to this, and even though he could still feel the after effects of her earlier confession (“...the one thing that made me happy”) beating against his chest, he couldn’t help but think of how pointless this ride was, of how this might just be a self-serving act for Eloise. Would she go home after this and think of the good deed she had done, taking him home? Theo liked to think she didn’t, but their fallout and the following weeks of silence had distorted his opinion of her.
Eloise was first to break the building silence between them. She certainly had never been one for small talk and she didn’t disappoint this time, cutting right to the chase. “This wasn’t exactly planned, I would say.” Theo felt the need to correct her, leaning forward onto his knees for a moment, but a particularly heavy rattle forced him back upright. “But you might recall that you left, when…” The moment of the two of them hovering closely, far too closely, came to mind. It pushed down heavily on his chest, and momentarily breathing seemed far too difficult, “...when we were searching for your Lady Whistledown.”, Theo course-corrected, slightly out of breath.
For a moment, he averted his gaze from Eloise, instead inspecting his hands with little interest. The memory of the evening still hurt him; the humiliation he had felt at thinking Eloise might share his feelings, only to be cruelly reminded that this notion was impossible, ridiculous even.
Still regarding his hands, Theo added: “Even if I had wanted to see you again, how could I have ever found you?” The proverbial ball had been in her court. She knew where to find him, she had always found him when she had wanted to. So when she hadn’t shown up again, it had spoken volumes.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2022 17:54:55 GMT
eloise & theo. What else could she have done then? She'd called his name, and he'd made it abundantly clear that he didn't wish to see her anymore. The last thing she wanted to do was make matters worse, and while she might have come round eventually, attempted to visit again...things had only gone from bad to worse. She'd been exposed to the ton, lost him, and then lost Penelope – further rejection of him would only be rubbing salt in an already open wound. In the wake of discovering her (former) best friend was Whistledown, she'd been doing her best to piece herself back together as much as she could. The last thing she wanted to do was have her heart broken for a third time.
"You accused me of using you to feel better about myself!" Once again, her voice was raising, more than it should in a carriage. Worse than that, she felt her voice crack. Eloise had always loathed crying in front of people – so why did it keep happening? First when she thought her mama was disappointed in her, and then in front of Penelope, when the truth had been revealed to her. The last thing she needed was to breakdown now.
Should she tell him? Could she? Eloise had promised herself she wouldn't tell a soul about Penelope, but Theo wasn't from their world. He wouldn't interact with those who knew her, who would gossip. So long as she didn't give a name, he'd likely be none the wiser. "I found her," she found herself admitting, letting out a breath as she spoke. It felt like the burdened was eased slightly, someone else knew. "Whistledown – she was a friend of mine. Between losing you, and losing her...I hardly wished to make things worse coming back to the print shop. I tried to speak to you, but you did not wish to listen."
And why would he? Hadn't she led him on, done so many things she knew she shouldn't? Eloise had known how many lines she was crossing every time she went to see him, and yet she went anyway. She'd thought – foolishly – that they could simply be friends, perhaps friends who shared feelings for each other, but that was all. Nothing more. She was too naive, never having lived outside of the little bubble that high society had created. She wished to burst it, to break free, but it had never been that easy.
"I care for you, Theo–" she didn't consider the lack of past tense. "But I was frightened. We almost..." well, he knew. "There would be no coming back from that. I have never done anything like that before. There has never been anyone like you before." |
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Julia
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she/her
Tag me @theo
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Post by julia on Dec 29, 2022 11:47:19 GMT
Fine. Perhaps she hadn’t been using him. Theo could admit that much to himself, quietly. But the fact was that she had entered and then left his life again with such ferocity and finality that it had left him rattled. No one should have this much power, especially not people of the Upper Class who he always proclaimed to be superficial and ignorant.
Whether it was, because Eloise had turned out to be different or because Theo had just spent time getting to know her - she had rattled him.
“If not that, then what?” Theo countered. His tone was calmer and more composed than Eloise’s but there was still a challenge in it. “You changed your mind the moment someone questioned you? Doesn’t sound like someone who wants to reform our societal norms.” Theo wasn’t even talking about that particular moment (though it was certainly still on his mind). He was mourning their friendship, too. Discussing treatises and essays, quick-witted debates with someone his own age but such a different upbringing - it had been exciting. Over the weeks of clandestine meetings, the search for Whistledown had become secondary.
In the end, Eloise had found her. For a moment Theo was intrigued by this mystery he had no stake in. By the secret Eloise had made him privy to. A pseudonym he’d begun to care about because it had been important to her.
He found that he wanted to know how Eloise had done it. Hours spent pouring over parchments and bills hadn’t gotten them any closer. He also wanted to know who it had been, although it might just be an empty name to him.
Eloise somewhat offered an explanation to the latter: A friend of hers. By the sounds of it, the reveal hadn’t gone as planned. Hadn’t Eloise once told him she only sought to exchange ideas and opinions with the writer? He wondered how this had turned into something sour enough to end a friendship? “I’m guessing it wasn’t everything you had hoped for?”
And although Eloise’s problems had seemed trivial to him in the prior weeks - she might have been sad, but she had endured it all inside an opulent manor - Theo thought that he felt sorry for the way things had ended; how, by the sounds of it, she had been lonely.
No coming back. she called it. Mere thoughts of that moment could still conjure up butterflies in Theo’s stomach. They withered quick as anything, however, when he saw the look in her eyes. One of insecurity and sadness.
“Oh” was all Theo could offer for a moment while he wrestled with his own emotions, eyes downcast. The way Eloise had made a kiss with him sound like a death sentence.
Again, he chided himself for giving someone like Eloise so much power over his feelings. But then he realised he hadn’t given it, she had simply taken it with her bright eyes and clever smile.
The quiet in the carriage stretched out between them, uncomfortable and loud enough to drown out the clopping of horse shoes on cobblestone. Finally, Theo dared to look up again, and with it words came back to him: “Eloise, I’m …” He couldn’t say the word ‘sorry’ because that would mean having regrets - about the hope for something more. But he’d never meant to scare her. “It wasn’t my intention to make you uncomfortable. Perhaps I should have assumed…”, he trailed of, not wanting to go into specifics of Eloise’s lack of experience, then swiftly course-corrected: “I only want to see you happy. It was...” stupid, idiotic, ridiculous “...wrong to assume that this might make you happy.”
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2022 20:50:01 GMT
eloise & theo. Perhaps it wasn't fair to act like it was such an awful thing, but it wasn't like that. Eloise may have been different from all the other young ladies she'd been raised around, but that was only because she'd taught herself other things, read books, disapproved of the society that expected her to be a certain thing, something she didn't wish to be. So many of high society's teachings were still within her, and she couldn't simply shake them. She'd been raised as a lady, and unlike her brothers, didn't have any sort of sexual or romantic freedom. Even touching hands was considered scandalous, and she'd realised how much she was playing with fear when he'd leaned in.
"It wasn't that it would not," she began, uncertain how to explain it to him. He truly was from an entirely different world, he didn't have to follow the same societal rules that she did...and besides, she'd been so quick to claim she didn't wish to follow those rules, which only made it that bit harder to explain. Still, she owed him some form of explanation, whether he'd accept it or not.
"I wish for change, that much is true. I do not want to be forced to wed, to never have any choice in who I become...but there are lines I have never crossed. Lines I am scared to cross. I risked so much time and time again, coming across town to see you. Had we kissed, it would have simply been..." she trailed off, shaking her head. Would it hurt him to imply that it would be a step too far? It had hurt her rejecting him in such a way, it had torn apart everything they'd been building, but what else could she have done? "The last thing I wished for was this to end, to stop seeing you, but it wouldn't simply have ended at one kiss, would it? And what would have happened when we were caught?" |
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